res·pite
/ˈrespət,rēˈspīt/
noun: a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.
Stopping.
No To-Do List.
A blank calendar.
Ignoring calls, emails and texts.
No one banging around in the house or garage.
Stopping.
Just stopping.
That is the real joy of a beach break with my wife.
We’ve been blessed to make this a nearly annual habit every Fall for a decade. As I type this I hear and see wave after wave resolving less than a quarter mile away from the rented condo’s porch.
The waves don’t stop.
Sarah and I do.
Friends are often surprised that we don’t take the boys with us on vacation. Daily life with our children is the main reason we come as a duo, instead of a posse. This duo needs a break. We need to stop once in a while. For anyone who is a caregiver to a family member, whether this has occurred to you yet or not, you need respite. When it’s ALWAYS on you to take care of and for someone else,
you can knuckle down,
you can power up,
you can handle it for a season;
but you can’t do it indefinitely.
I’ve known friends and family to have elderly or infirmed parents needing care. I have a friend or two who’s cared for a seriously sick spouse until their vows were fulfilled in death-do-us-part. Then there’s the special needs parenting community, a place that’s usually one of the longest, permanent experiences in the realm of caregiving. And here is where I need to give special recognition to my wife, Sarah, as THE Momma who handles SO much in this realm for our tribe.
Sarah and I have two boys, the oldest, having special needs, is Julian. He’s adult aged, but will forever not be an adult. His younger brother is finishing high school and we’re looking toward the “what’s next” in his life: work, college, etc. But for Julian, there’s a lot of “it’ll always be this way” in the daily grind; so respite, clocking out, taking a break from caring for him is a physical, mental and spiritual health necessity for Sarah and me. Some parents who do not face this kind of parenting challenge are stupifide that a mom or dad wouldn’t want to always be WITH their kids. Many in the special needs parenting community do understand and most have a specific guilt-to-understanding journey that hopefully, then thankfully, ends up recognizing respite.
res·pite
/ˈrespət,rēˈspīt/
noun: a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.
No one mentioned this concept to us years ago. We were not taught us about this.
I can’t remember reading an article or book or hearing a podcast on the topic (especially since podcasts didn’t exist 20+ years ago as we were first wading into these waters).
(Actually we didn’t wade; we were deluged. Not drowned, just relentlessly pushed down, soaked through and exhausted.)
(Yes, that’s a more accurate parenthetical.)
I earned a company sponsored vacation about 15 years ago, a cruise. We got the then little boys to Grandma and Popa’s house and we sailed for 4 or 5 days. And we experienced respite for the first time. At that point, Julian’s challenges were present, though not fully diagnosed or understood. A lot of clarity has come into the world since then in the form of better mental healthcare, behavioral healthcare, medicines and even alternative therapies. But at that point, we just knew he had 24/7 struggles and we were always worn out.
Back to the cruise...it didn’t fully dawn on us what was happening then, but as time went on, we realized, we just needed a few days or a week here and there when WE don’t have to stay on adrenalized high alert. If someone else could look after Julian, we could actually sleep deeply, we could breathe deeply instead of the constant feeling of holding our breath fearing what might present next.
So now, blessed by some family move decisions, blessed by a good work situation and blessed by an ever widening community of people who “get-it”, Sarah and I regularly find ways for short weekend-type of respites and longer, planned vacation kind of respites. Some would consider the trouble and expense of these trips and getaways to be too much; to us they’re a lifeline of sanity worth any sacrifice to achieve.
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